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30 March 2007

Guerilla Movie Maker: Revenge of the Nerds

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Guerilla Movie Maker:Revenge of the Nerds

Arin Crumley and Susan Buice were just art squids with a handful of credit cards, a digital camera, and very patient parents. Now they have a (long) shot at the big time. How the digital wave gives power to the little people and reshapes the way movies reach the world.


Like many of his peers, 21-year-old Arin Crumley, a tall, Twizzler-thin video-grapher living in Brooklyn, New York, went trawling for a girlfriend on the Internet, blasting notes to more than 100 likely prospects who had posted personals on Time Out New York's Web site. Shortly afterward, Susan Buice, also young, a self-styled "artist in theory, waitress in practice," clicked open his email: "What made you move to NY? Do you have any more pix? I think I might find you hot."

Unlike the others on Crumley's hit list, Buice decided to give him a chance and told him to drop by the restaurant where she worked the late-night shift. Crumley showed up, but in disguise--sunglasses, a baseball cap--packing a video camera and snapping surreptitious candids, then trailing her as she left the restaurant for the subway. "Dear Stalker," Buice replied, after the photos arrived in her inbox. "So this is what the world sees. Just an innocent bystander. So pedestrian. Nothing like the tragic hero I feel as I trudge through each day." She told him the typical date wouldn't do justice to the stalking experience. "We need to think of another unique scenario--something challenging." He suggested they communicate without speaking, to avoid small talk.

For their first date, they wandered the Brooklyn waterfront, passing notes, drawing pictures, listening to music on each other's iPods, but not talking. Later, when Buice attended an artist colony in Vermont, they mailed videos back and forth; six months after meeting, they moved in together. Along the way, they amassed a collection of artifacts most couples would call "keepsakes." Buice and Crumley considered them artistic "by-products."

Eventually, in the way of youth the world over, they concluded that their courtship had to be immortalized--and that only a full-length feature film would suffice. They quit their jobs, pooled $10,000 in savings, lined up a stack of credit cards, and flew in a friend from the Left Coast to operate their prized possession: a Panasonic DVX-100 digital video camera. The saga of Four Eyed Monsters, their self-directed, self-obsessed movie, had begun.

It was an unlikely way to make a movie, and if it sounds self-indulgent and a tad "meta," well, it is. But we live in an age when the tools of self-expression have never been more accessible. Until recently, making a movie meant using a shaky Super 8 or low-resolution camcorder--or taking a flier that required tens of millions of dollars, hundreds of personnel, and superior technical expertise. It also meant dueling with the studio executives and distributors who decided which movies made it into theaters and which didn't--and who exerted ham-fisted control over the industry, making it all but impossible for neophytes such as Buice and Crumley to break through. (And even if they did, they were often roundly fleeced: bought off with a nominal take-it-or-leave-it offer, stripped of control of their work, and sent packing back to Mom.)

But the great digital push is under way. Now the same pair of lovelorn kids who would have vanished completely in another age can pick up a camera, teach themselves the art of filmmaking for next to nothing, and make a commercial-quality movie. They might even hit it big.

Of course, digital movies are not new. A decade ago, Love God, long since forgotten, was one of the first--if not the first--independent films entirely shot and edited in digital video. Back then, the format was merely a curiosity; now, with the price of a decent camera dipping below $4,000 and quality steadily improving, digital is reshaping entertainment as the talkies did 80 years ago, with similarly revolutionary effects. Even the notion of a "film" has begun to seem a little quaint: Sure, there are still your standard 90-odd-minute narratives, and they may be around forever, but because moving images are increasingly being viewed in and over a variety of venues and devices--from 3-D high- definition digital theaters to TVs to laptops to PDAs, cell phones, iPods, and everything between--even that form is morphing. A film today might be a series of 3- to 5-minute episodes or a 20-minute short. The Beastie Boys handed out 50 Hi8 videocams so that fans could capture them in concert (the band later returned them for a refund). For $164,000, South African director Aryan Kaganof created SMS Sugar Man, the first feature-length movie shot entirely on cell-phone cameras.

As a practical matter, digital opens up other opportunities as well. Not only is it cheap (35mm film costs about 200 times more than digital tape) but it's also lightweight, simple, and subtle. For documentary filmmakers, for example, the format lets them make movies they couldn't do otherwise. James Longley, director of Iraq in Fragments, rode in the back of a pickup truck filled with Mahdi Army militia, recording everything as they arrested alcohol sellers in a local market and later interrogated them. "A large part of being able to record that kind of material is the ability to be unobtrusive," Longley says, "to let the mechanism of the camera nearly vanish, unencumbered by lights, sound recordists, and film-changing bags."

With some 18 billion videos streamed online in 2005--up 50% from 2004--it's not surprising that new businesses are sprouting up around this digital explosion. Each day on YouTube, more than 40 million video views are delivered and 35,000 new clips are uploaded. Google and Yahoo have video search sites and large caches of moving content. Apple's iTunes Music Store sold 12 million video clips for $1.99 each over the span of just a few months. A new company out of Berkeley, California, called Dabble is vying to become a micro movie studio for the masses by inviting users to create, remix, browse, and organize video online. These aggregators are fast becoming the central nodes of an entirely new video marketing and distribution system, one far from Hollywood's control.

"Things that are authentic have great appeal," says Dabble founder and CEO Mary Hodder, who believes that movie studios will increasingly find themselves competing with films made by the masses. "Part of the issue is lowering the transaction cost for making and distributing programs and films, and part of it is the low cost of user-generated content, which is usually free. It's totally disintermediating."

That process of cutting out the middleman, while still in its infancy, has the potential to upend the balance of power that has governed the film industry for decades.

One of the early demonstrations that homespun digital could deliver Hollywood-worthy numbers was the 2003 release of Open Water, a psychothriller with a cast of two, a crew of three, and lots of sharks. Chris Kentis, who had been cutting film trailers for a production company, pounded out a script, auditioned actors, bought two digital video cameras, and shot the movie over the course of two years, mostly on the open ocean. "We were chasing weather, and weather was chasing us," Kentis says. "We could see a storm approaching with lightning, and the captain would tell us we had 15 minutes to shoot the scene. We could react immediately. It was guerrilla filmmaking on the water."

Kentis submitted the film to Sundance with low expectations, figuring that festival organizers would take a dim view of a movie with so few credits (written by Chris Kentis, directed by Chris Kentis, cinematography by Chris Kentis …). But not only was Open Water accepted, it attracted a distribution deal from Lion's Gate and, later that year, opened at 2,700 theaters across the country. Made for $130,000, it went on to rake in about $30 million at the domestic box office and close to $100 million worldwide (counting DVD sales).

At the outset, Buice and Crumley had none of Kentis's skill. For starters, they had no idea how to frame a shot or do basic cinematography. Their cameraman wasn't familiar with the camera. They had never acted before. After each shoot, they beamed the dailies on a wall of their cramped loft and edited footage on a Mac G5 computer with Final Cut Pro software. "Sometimes we ended up shooting and reshooting a scene four or five times before we got it right," Crumley says.

Then, a year into the project, with our young heroes maxed out on seven credit cards, Four Eyed Monsters was accepted into Slamdance, the rogue sidekick to the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. That led to invitations to other festivals-- 18 in all, including South by Southwest, the Sonoma Valley Film Festival, and Gen Art. Along the way, the pair collected several awards and glowing reviews. Variety called Four Eyed Monsters "fascinating," a film that "deliberately smudges the line between nonfiction and invention." The Boston Phoenix said it was "spry, brainy, endlessly inventive," an "Annie Hall of the 25-year-old set." Others described it as "exhilarating," "accomplished and endearing," a movie that contains "frantic vibrancy" and "delivers a powerful narrative punch." It felt like the beginning of a Nora Ephron script that would, inevitably, end with Buice and Crumley better dressed, in a fabulous apartment, and very much in love.

In fact, their whirlwind tour yielded nothing. After 18 festivals, they were still without a distribution deal to get Four Eyed Monsters into theaters. Their work seemed to resonate, but they had no money and no access to the pipeline. All they had was a mounting sense that people liked the thing. "We had a film that nobody knew about and nobody wanted to distribute," Crumley says. "Companies told us that the 'target' audience for our film was 'hard to pin down.' What they meant was that they had no tried-and-true formula for how to release a film to the type of audience our film appealed to, so they didn't want to take a risk."

Which got them thinking. At the time, social-networking site MySpace had about half the 75 million members it has today. But, children of the Web that they are, Buice and Crumley understood that social- networking sites could generate interest and create buzz--a free, self-fulfilling wave of publicity. A veritable army of users, the vast majority under 30, would market the film for them virally by blogging about it, or posting video clips. As any ad person will tell you, that kind of lightning-fast word of mouth is the most powerful form of marketing, and the Internet makes it possible on a scale never before seen. So Buice and Crumley embraced what Crumley calls "collective curation"--the idea that a loyal, intimate, motivated fan base is better able to judge quality than any individual and that a thumbs-up from the "Netgeist" can be life-changing.

It was here that Buice and Crumley began butting up against the film establishment. And it is here that the Web potentially becomes a transformative vehicle for independent filmmakers looking to crash the gates of the old system.

The pair's strategy began taking shape when they attended South by Southwest, where they posted a daily online video diary of their experiences. The diary proved to be popular and helped draw an audience to their screenings. For Buice and Crumley, it also drove home the point that the battle to get their film recognized (not to mention the peripheral tales of their own interpersonal combat and financial woe) was something their peers could relate to--that the story about their story might help them get over the hump.

So they sketched out a series of 10 three- to five-minute video podcasts that they intended to post once a month, a kind of Project Greenlight reality show about the making of their movie. One episode tells how they got started. Another relates their experience at Slamdance, detailing fights that broke out when an acting teacher and some of his students who appeared in the film clamored for more credit. A third looked at the impact the film was having on their relationship, which often seemed on the brink of disintegration. The first podcast was posted in November and immediately became a hit. It didn't take long for each new installment to attract 65,000 downloads via iTunes, YouTube, Google Video, MySpace, and other sites. As of late May, the first seven episodes had been downloaded about half a million times, unleashing a platoon of citizen marketers for the movie as the clips get posted on individual profiles, emailed down the line to friends, or played on iPods.

In fact, the marketing has been so effective that a recent Four Eyed Monsters screening at the Brooklyn Museum sold out completely: 470 tickets, in five minutes. In September, after Buice and Crumley post their 10th and final podcast, they plan to throw a series of screening parties across the country, organized by volunteers. They are trying out a new service from Withouta- box, which lets filmmakers distribute their work to art-house theaters nationwide; the more advance tickets sold, the more theaters sign on. Simultaneously, they'll release Four Eyed Monsters through their Web site, www.foureyedmonsters.com, either on DVD (complete with the podcasts, for around $15) or as a low-end digital download.

Crumley sees their strategy as a showdown between Hollywood and the New Economy: "If we are successful with releasing our film by building our own audience, getting the film directly to that audience, and using what they say about it to get to a bigger audience--that would prove that the distributors' existence is completely unnecessary. It's better than a couple of guys in an office making a multimillion-dollar decision based on their own personal taste."

Buice and Crumley are early examples of the millions who will flow into this filtration process. It's a process that may have some unlikely by-products of its own--possible alliances, say, between low-rent filmmakers and theater owners, who in the past have been separated by a gulf of power and influence. The rise of digital makes it easy enough to imagine a day when theater owners look to the Internet to find movies (or compilations of shorts, or animation, or any other sort of content that can be screened) to supplement the list coming out of Hollywood or the not-so-indies. Even now, they could gauge an audience's interest in advance--based on metrics such as the number of downloads or click-throughs--and deliver specialized, microtargeted content on nights when they're tired of showing Rocky VI to an empty house. Remember, Buice and Crumley's online presence translated into a packed theater, with real tickets.

Of course, there are a number of things delaying that day. It would cost about $3 billion to convert all 36,000 movie screens in this country to digital, and the process has barely begun. But as Bud Mayo, president of AccessIT, a company that offers financing and expertise to theaters looking to convert to digital, explains, delaying that process leaves a lot of money on the table. "You have a $9 billion domestic box office, and that's using 15% of available seats," he says. "If you can impose digital cinema and all its benefits, and attract 5% more customers to fill some of those empty seats, that's a $3 billion to $4 billion opportunity."

Adding to the power of the digital model is the fact that the big studios themselves stand to benefit from digital conversion. The studios now spend upward of $10 million to dispatch 35mm prints of a single blockbuster, at $1,500 per print, to the thousands of theaters across the country (and $5 million for a more modest release). A digital release would bring that number down to about $200 per movie, transmitted at the push of a button.

Within 10 years, your local cinema will probably have digital capacity (although it may retain film technology for a time, to appease the purist Hollywood directors), and this will profoundly shift the economics of the movie business. AccessIT alone plans to convert 10,000 screens by 2010, by ponying up the up-front costs. (In return, film studios pay a $1,000 fee per screen the first time a film is shown, which Mayo says would generate about $15,000 a year per screen.) AccessIT then transports the film via satellite or fiber-optic cable from a central server; theater owners could add advertisements or trailers, track concessions, and even monitor lights remotely. They would have the technical capability to change their lineup on the fly, substituting 3-D rock concerts, video-game competitions, religious revivals, World Cup matches, versions of a movie dubbed in Chinese or Spanish, or indie efforts like Four Eyed Monsters.

"The studios are afraid of the loss of control that digital sets forth," says Ira Deutchman, president and CEO of Emerging Pictures, another company that converts theaters to digital. "Once you have digital equipment, exhibitors can play whatever they want on a given day. This changes the balance of power between exhibitors and Hollywood." Standing between the studios and the theaters, however, are the distributors, and they still wield enormous clout. "If a theater pulls a movie before the contract stipulates, it's going to have a problem," says David Zelon, head of production for Mandalay Filmed Entertainment. "It's worse than getting sued: You won't get the next big picture."

Zelon says Hollywood studios aren't losing any sleep over the ascendance of digital filmmaking or its ancillary benefits to small-scale indie directors. "Every once in a while, you'll get a My Big Fat Greek Wedding or The Blair Witch Project. But you really need a studio-marketing campaign. At the end of the day, you need stars, because the first question people ask about a film is, 'Who's in it?'" he says. "Without mass marketing, you won't capture the attention of a mass audience, and the Internet is not a viable way to attract a mass audience."

Famous last words. But even if Zelon is right, that doesn't make movies marketed and distributed over the Web negligible. If 85% of a cinema's seats lie fallow every year, a hundred smaller movies that attracted a following would become a force, while a thousand events--from films to sports events to rock concerts--could represent a revolution. How long could theater owners turn their backs on that kind of upside? If they caved, how long could distributors afford to with- hold their films, especially as more theaters joined the digital ranks? And perhaps most important, how long would studios back distributors in that battle if they could deliver their films directly to theaters in a few minutes, for a fraction of the cost?

In the end, of course, Hollywood might respond to the threat posed by Buice, Crumley, and the rest by doing what it did to indie film in the 1990s: co-opting it. The Web could simply become a farm team, a place to scout talent. It seems a safe bet that someone at News Corp., which paid more than half a billion dollars for MySpace, is watching the site closely for the next breakout star, whether of film, music, or anything else. (Even this scenario should give distributors the shakes, however.)

Meanwhile, filmmakers like Buice and Crumley are on their own, their Nora Ephron denouement deferred. Their 450-square-foot loft in a former factory building in Bushwick, Brooklyn, is awash in digital videotapes. An archaic gas stove is set right inside the front door; their bedroom is a mattress stuffed into an alcove, secreted behind a red curtain. A whiteboard is covered in notes, an almost endless to-do list. Two Apple monitors bathe the room in light.

The pair have racked up $54,000 in credit-card debt and are so broke that tonight's dinner consists of almond-butter sandwiches, which they'll eat on their way to the Apple Store in Soho, where they are scheduled to give a lecture. Still, asked if they would accept a $2 million offer from a distributor for the rights to Four Eyed Monsters, Crumley says, "No." Buice isn't so sure. "Only if we maintain control," Crumley insists. What if that wasn't part of the deal? "No."

Buice bites her tongue. She and Crumley fought almost every day while they were making their picture. She once got so fed up, she told him she was leaving as soon as they finished the damn thing. But their arguments smacked of truth. Authenticity, even. And in the end, they made the couple's story--what's the word?--cinematic.

Adam L. Penenberg is a Fast Company contributing writer.

From: FastCompany Issue 107 | July 2006 | Page 62 | By: Adam L. Penenberg
http://www.fastcompany.com/subscr/107/open_revenge-of-the-nerds.html



By the Numbers: Digital Video

  • Eighteen Billion | Number of videos streamed online in 2005.
    There were 9 billion in 2004 and 285 million in 1998.

  • "If you can impose digital cinema and all its benefits, and attract 5% more customers to fill some of those empty seats, that's a $3 billion to $4 billion opportunity."
    --Bud Mayo, president of AccessIT

  • 50+ | Percentage of films submitted to Sundance that are shot in digital

  • 97 | Number of digital-cinema releases in the world in 2005, of which 87 were first-run titles

  • 21% | Share of the studios' combined film slate now being released digitally in the United States

  • www.youtube.com | Visits to YouTube rose 170% from November 2005 to February 2006.

  • $585,000 | Cost of a high-definition video camera in 1984 (in 2006 dollars)
    Cost today for the equivalent: under $6,000
  • 4 million | Number of U.S. households that now use digital video cameras and editing software monthly
    750,000 | Number per week

  • In 2005, box-office revenue fell 5.2%
    from $9.5 billion to $9 billion.

Teaching [a New Yorker Fiction]

Fiction

Teaching

by Roddy Doyle April 2, 2007

You know my mother.

The girl stood beside his desk. She was one of those big-eyed kids. She’d always look a bit like a kid. By the time she was thirty-five, she’d be a strange-looking kid.

—You know my mother, she said again.

Now, though, she was one of those lovely kids. She’d stopped, hesitated, on her way past his desk to the door. The last out. She’d probably made sure of that. It was her first full day in the secondary school.

He finished what he was doing. Searching for a red Biro at the bottom of his bag. And he looked at her.

—Is that right? he said.

—Yeah.

He looked for her mother in the kid’s face.

Big eyes. He stopped looking. He could feel the sweat on his forehead.

—Who is she? he said.

—Amanda Collins, she said.

—Amanda Collins?

—Yeah. Do you remember her?

—I do, yeah.

But he didn’t.

—How is she?

—She’s grand, said the kid.

—Good.

—She says they all fancied you.

She wasn’t the first. The last five or six years, kids had been stopping at his desk. Their first day, their big news. You knew my ma or my da.

This was killing him.

It was getting harder. Getting through the day, the nine class periods. It was the first week in September.

She was still there. He’d have to say something. Silence wouldn’t work.

—It’s hard to imagine, he said. Isn’t it?

—Yeah.

He looked at her. He laughed—relief. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. Even as he heard himself say it. Like some seedy old man, flirting or something.

She laughed, too. A lovely kid. Open. Like her mother must have been. Why he’d loved teaching, when he started, and for a long time.

He didn’t drink in the day. His head was telling him he should, something quick, to swallow the headache. But he didn’t. He never had, and he never would. There was no flask or bottle in his bag. No quick dash down to the local. Too many parents, too much self-respect.

He used to like it, kids stopping for a chat. What groups are you into, sir? Our cat’s after having kittens. D’you want one, sir? Things like that. He used to write down the best of them.

It didn’t really happen now. Kids didn’t stop. He wrote down nothing.

The kid here was going.

—See you tomorrow, sir.

He looked at his timetable. It was open, on his desk.

—Yes, he said. Tomorrow. Bye.

—Bye.

She left the door open. A lovely kid. He’d smile every time she walked in, for the next six years.

He went to the door. He used to stand there between classes and watch the world go by. All those tall and tiny children. More than a thousand of them on the move. He could have named most of them. He shut the door.

Things changed. It wasn’t just him. He wasn’t denying anything: his heart wasn’t in it. He wished he was somewhere else. But there weren’t as many students now; the area outside was changing. The corridor wasn’t as packed as it had been when he’d started, twenty-three years before.

He looked again at the timetable. He sat down. He had to bring the page closer to his eyes. He didn’t have a class now; he was free till eleven o’clock.

It wasn’t just him. Something had happened. A kid stopping at the desk, a boy or a girl, had become something to be wary of, almost to dread. They’d been given talks, in the staff room, on the telltale signs—the eyes, marks, cuts. He was probably the only member of the staff left who hadn’t been told an abuse story. He’d expected it to happen. For a long time. He’d felt left out when it didn’t. He’d even been ready to make up something, when a gang of the teachers had gone for an impromptu pint after work. The urge to tell, to get back his status as one of the nice teachers. But he’d been wise; he’d kept his mouth shut.

He looked at the timetable again. He had two classes left to lunchtime, and another two after. That wasn’t too bad. He looked at his watch. The headache was starting to lift. He’d be better in the next class; he’d get up and move around. He’d be Robin Williams for half an hour, in “Dead Poets Society.” One of those “Seize the day” classes. The way he used to be, all day. He’d even said it once. Seize the day, boys and girls. They’d cheered.

He had an abuse story of his own. He’d been in first year, like the big-eyed kid who’d just left. A few months in the new school, he knew hardly anyone. He’d been sent to the Christian Brothers and he still hadn’t got used to them. They were strange men, sometimes funny, but savage and unpredictable. The lay teachers were as bad. If he listened, he could hear shouting or crying, someone being hit, in another part of the building. The noises were always hanging there. Once, he remembered, a boy in the room next door was thrown against the classroom wall, and he watched the blackboard on his side of the wall come off its hinges and fall to the wooden floor. They’d laughed. They’d all laughed. They’d laughed at everything.

There was one of the brothers, Brother Flynn. Latin and Civics. He’d stand at the front of the room and smile and rub his big hands. But he could just as easily bring the hands down on someone’s face, one onto each ear. The front desk was a death sentence. But, really, Flynn was all right. He was the only teacher who used their first names. He didn’t go mad when he saw the names of English football teams on the covers of their books and copies. Flynn was a laugh.

But Flynn liked him. He’d smile at him when he was testing their Latin vocabulary. The others noticed.

—Smile back and he won’t give us any homework.

—Lay off.

—Go on, yeh queer.

—Fuck off.

Flynn patted his shoulder one day as he was going past. He wanted to cry. He wanted to get out the window, drop to the ground, run into the sea across the road. He knew the others were looking. He knew they’d be waiting to get him when the bell went and Flynn left the room. He hated Flynn and he needed him to stay.

It had only lasted for a while. He got to know a few of the other lads. They went on the same bus home; he made them laugh. They knew he was sound, and soon the stuff about Flynn became a joke. He was one of them now, so he wasn’t a queer. Flynn still smiled and it didn’t matter.

Then he was sick. One morning, he felt hot. His forehead, his whole face, was suddenly wet with sweat. He put his hand up.

—Brother!

He was going to puke. Flynn must have noticed, must have seen the color dropping off his face. He opened the door.

—Quick, quick!

Flynn was standing outside when he came back out of the toilet. He smiled at him. He said he’d drive him home. He told Flynn that his mother wouldn’t be there; she went to his granny’s on Mondays, two buses across the city.

Flynn took him over to the house where all the brothers lived, beside the school. He’d never been in the house before. He’d never really been near it. It was a rule that never had to be remembered: don’t go near the brothers’ house. Water dripped from the roof of the porch onto the red and black tiles.

—Mind you don’t slip, said Flynn.

He remembered shivering, remembered feeling the cold on his skin.

Flynn opened the front door. He followed him into the hall. The same red and black tiles.

—Shut the door.

He pushed the front door closed. The lock was colossal, a big black box screwed right into the wood.

Flynn kept walking. He stood for a while, then followed him. Flynn’s black shoes on the tiles, and his own shoes—they were the only noises. The house was empty. He’d seen the housekeeper once, a woman much older than his mother, walking toward the brothers’ house with a net shopping bag full of apples. But she wasn’t there now. He could tell: something about the cold—the house had been empty for hours.

Flynn pulled open a door. He disappeared behind it, then came back out, backward. He was dragging something. It was a fold-up bed, on casters. The casters squealed across the tiles. Flynn dragged the bed across the hall, to another door. He stayed where he was. Flynn was still going backward, pulling the bed, looking at him.

—Come on, he said.

He didn’t move. He remembered that. He remembered the slow terror, in his legs.

—Come on, said Flynn. Quick now.

He watched, stayed at the door, as Flynn unfolded the bed. He heard him grunt as he pushed the two sides down. It was the dining room, or something. Flynn pushed the bed against the long table.

—There you are. Lie down.

Flynn walked across to the window. He heard him pull the curtains. It didn’t make the room much darker. He sat down on the bed. It moved a bit, on the casters. He took off his shoes. He stood up again. He could hear Flynn’s feet. He pulled back the gray blanket. The mattress was bare, and striped.

He lay down. He felt the bed move under him again, just a bit, an inch. He pulled the blanket over his chest. The room got darker. Flynn was standing in front of the light coming from the hall.

—How’s the tummy now?

—All right, Brother.

—Are you going to be sick again, d’you think?

—No, Brother.

He felt the blanket being pulled away from him, but he couldn’t see Flynn’s hands. Then he saw Flynn’s face, close to his own. He was leaning over him. The blanket was gone. Then it was back; he felt it land on his legs, his waist, his chest. He felt Flynn’s hands at his neck. He could feel Flynn’s knuckles, on his chin. Flynn was holding the blanket. He was tucking it under his neck. He was looking down at him. He was smiling.

That was it, all he could remember. He half-expected more to open up—the hand grabbing his neck, holding him down—but it never did. He’d told someone about it once, a woman at a party. He’d stopped where his memory stopped, at the man tucking the blanket under the boy’s chin. He was sitting beside the woman, two kitchen chairs side by side. She looked at him, then told him that he was an apologist for the Catholic Church. She stood up as she said it.

There was something, color, at the corner of his eye. He glanced over at the classroom door. The principal was looking in the window. She waved, and went. He looked down at his desk. What had she seen? His diary was open, so was one of his books. His timetable. His pen was there as well. It was fine. He was working. He felt his face. He’d shaved that morning.

Not that it mattered. It had never mattered, that kind of idiocy, in this school. How you taught, not how you dressed; that was what mattered. It was one of the things he’d loved about the place. But he’d noticed. His beard had changed color. There was gray in it, even a bit of white. He looked like a wino or something if he didn’t shave every second day.

The principal was younger than him. She’d come to the school four years after he had. He’d kissed her once—he cringed now.

He looked at his timetable. It was darker in the room now; it was going to rain. This had been his room for more than twenty years. He knew the light and every noise.

He’d do something about the drinking. He’d give it up. He would—he could. He’d watched a football match the night before, the Champions League, on RTÉ, the whole thing. But he didn’t know who’d played. He remembered nothing. Not a thing. He’d have to read the report in the paper before lunch; the paper was in his bag. Then he’d be able to talk about it, if he talked to anyone. But he’d probably stay in the room. Plan his classes.

He’d stop. The drinking. He wasn’t fooling himself. He knew it was serious.

He’d kissed her. That first year she’d been in the school. After a union meeting.

He smiled. The absurdity. The idea of kissing her now. He looked at the window. There was no one there. He looked at the timetable. Sixth-Year English was next. A double class, Ordinary level. There were no Honors classes on his timetable. It was five years since he’d had an Honors class. Nothing had been said.

These kids were fine. He’d had them last year. But there was no life in them. He’d have sworn it was true. It just wasn’t like it used to be.

He wrote in his diary, “NOVEL.” He’d do the novel with them, a good start to the year. What novel was it? Had they done it already, last year? He looked at his shelf. He knew all the books, the shapes, the colors of the spines; he didn’t have to read the titles. Which one was it?

He’d do something else with them. He’d think of something. He was good at that. Seize the day. The spontaneity. Not with this gang, though. Those days were over. He’d have to have something ready.

He stood up. His knee cracked. Something dry in the joint. He went to the bookshelf.

That was something he definitely remembered, the first time he’d heard his knee crack. It was the last time he’d been with a woman, and sober enough to remember it.

—What was that?!

She’d thought it was an animal or something, under the bed. Gnawing a bone. She’d made him turn on the light. A disaster, the two of them. Squinting—reality. He got off the bed and heard the crack again.

—My knee, he said.

—What?

—The noise, he said. Listen.

He moved again. She heard the crack. She started crying. A disaster.

He still liked the teaching. He hadn’t changed that much. He liked the new kids who were beginning to turn up every year, the sons and daughters of the immigrants. Black kids with Dublin accents. And the East Europeans. Lovely kids. And it reminded him—now, he could feel it—of why he’d loved teaching. Empowerment. He’d loved that word. He’d believed it. Giving power to working-class kids. He could get worked up about poverty, and why he was there in the school. A word like “underclass” could still get him going, the convenience and cynicism of it. Hiding all that social injustice and inequality in a word like that. The working class became the underclass, and their problems became inevitable. His thinking hadn’t changed. When he thought.

He looked at his watch. He had twenty minutes left. There was a tiny crack in the glass, and a line of mist at the crack, under the glass. He’d no idea when that had happened.

There’d been one woman. She’d said it once: she loved the way he thought.

He had an address in his wallet. A.A. The address and the times. Alcoholics Anonymous. It was in his jacket, in the inside pocket, ready for whenever he wanted it. Someone had given it to him. A cousin of his. At his uncle’s funeral, at the few drinks after the burial. He didn’t get it at first; he didn’t know what she was doing. He thought she was slipping him her phone number and he was running through the ethics and legality of it, phoning his own cousin, arranging to meet for a date—because she wasn’t a bad-looking woman and, really, he hardly knew her. He hadn’t met her since they were kids. But it hadn’t been her number at all. It was an address for Alcoholics Anonymous, and the meeting times. He’d thought about going, to see if she’d be there. But he hadn’t gone. He hadn’t wanted to; he hadn’t felt the need. Still, he’d held on to the address. He knew it was there.

He looked at his watch. He had thirteen minutes, plenty of time. He’d give them the opening sentence of a story, and get them to continue. That always worked. He’d give them a good one.

He’d come close once, with a woman. Mary. They’d been together for two years. He’d just graduated, started teaching. She was still in her final year. She’d be finished in August, and he knew what would happen then. She’d get a teaching job like his. Their salaries would meet and they’d buy a house and get married. Because her mother would deliver the Great Silence until they did. They laughed about it, the Great Silence, her name for the mother’s war against any urges or opinions that might deflect her children from their proper course: the career, the four-bedroom house, the husband or wife, the happiness that was Southside, Catholic respectability. They laughed but they’d known: the old bitch would win. They’d never admit it, the choices would be theirs—but they’d do it. They’d get the mortgage; it was mad to carry on renting. They’d get married; for tax reasons. In a church; for the laugh. They’d known—he’d known. And he’d done the right thing. He sat beside her and told her it was over. He remembered the elation as he left her in the pub and went back to their flat, to pack. Throwing everything into two bags. Going. There’d been a few phone calls, then that was it. He was alone. He could live.

One night, a few years ago, he’d been watching a current-affairs program on RTÉ, after the news. He was only half-watching, and reading. He looked up at the screen. He recognized her before he knew her name. Mary. She was in some city in Africa and she was talking to people—children and women—who’d been deported from Ireland, interviewing them. In small, dark rooms, or rooms that seemed to be missing walls, that were sliding onto the street.

He watched. She stood on a street that looked like the scene of recent violence and spoke to the camera. There were two men with rifles just behind her. She looked well. She looked great. The report ended.

He had seven minutes. Seize the day, boys and girls. Teaching was a branch of show business. He’d always said it. Grab the kids and bring them with you. Empowerment. He stood at the board. He waited for the idea, the opening sentence that they’d read on their way into the room, the sentence that would have them grabbing their pens and folders from their bags. He hadn’t eaten in days; he wasn’t hungry. But he thought that food, anything, might help with the headache.

But, there was his idea. He wrote it on the board. “He hadn’t eaten in days.” He looked at it.

Six minutes.

He sat down. He was pleased. He was sorted, organized, up to lunchtime. Only nine more months to go. He made himself smile. He was back on track. He opened his diary again, put it beside his timetable. He’d plan ahead. He’d memorize the students’ names. He’d smile at them when they came into the room. He’d chat to them. He’d bring them with him. Empowerment. It was still there; he could feel it, across his chest. He wouldn’t drink today; he’d go straight home. He’d get food on the way. He’d get some new clothes at the weekend. He’d go to a film or a play.

That big-eyed kid, the one who’d told him that he’d known her mother. He wished that kid was his. It was ridiculous—the thought just rolled through him. Brother Flynn—the man’s smile, looking down at him. He wanted to look at someone that way, to smile down at his own child. To be able to do that. Whatever it took, whatever he gave up or didn’t give up.

It was ridiculous.

He stood up. He opened the door. He was ready for the bell. He looked at the board. “He hadn’t eaten in days.” They’d love that. Kidnapping, starvation; the boys would love it. But he had another idea. He went back to the board and picked up the chalk. He wrote under the first sentence, “She hadn’t eaten in days.” That was even better. They could have the choice. He could feel it in him. It was the old feeling, back. The hands would be up, asking him how to spell “anorexia.” He could already feel the buzz, the energy. He’d stay standing, walk among them. He’d smile. He’d laugh.

He looked at his watch.

One minute.

He was fine.

Photograph: SA SCHLOFF, “CHAIRS” (2005)

26 March 2007

分巧克力 Dividing a Chocolate [MOT算法题]

Category: Algorithms

Title: Dividing a Chocolate

Description:

The boy and Karlsson are dividing a chocolate that the boy's parents have presented him for his birthday. A chocolate is a rectangle that consists of m × n chocolate squares, separated from each other by cutlines.

Of course, Karlsson does the dividing. First Karlsson divides the chocolate into two rectangular pieces, breaking it along some cutline. Since Karlsson wants to divide chocolate fairly, he would not be satisfied if the two pieces have different sizes. In this case he cuts away the piece equal to the smaller piece out of the larger piece, and eats it. If the pieces are still not equal, he does so again, and so on. After the pieces are finally equal, Karlsson eats one of the pieces, and the boy eats another.

Karlsson wants to make an initial cut in such a way that he would eat as much chocolate as possible. However, the boy knows that Karlsson likes chocolate very much, and he watches for the process closely. Karlsson must be very careful not to offend the boy. So he must not successively cut away and eat chocolate from the same piece --- this would seem too suspicious to the boy.

Help Karlsson to find out how much chocolate he can eat.

Input

There are mutiple cases in the input file.
Each case contains m and n (1 <= m, n <= 10^9).
There is an empty line after each case.

Output

Output one integer number --- how many chocolate squares Karlsson can eat. If Karlsson cannot divide chocolate using his method, output 0 instead.
There should be am empty line after each case.
In the example Karlsson must initially break a chocolate into pieces of sizes 3 × 6 and 2 × 6 . After that he can eat all chocolate but the boy's piece that would finally be 1 × 6 . Karlsson cannot, for example, cut a chocolate initially into pieces of sizes 5 × 5 and 1 × 5 --- after doing so, he would have to successively cut a piece away from the first one several times, that would offend the boy.

Examples:

Sample Input
6 5

Sample Output
24

Time Limitation: 1 s
Memory Limitation: 33 MB
Score: 50 Points Language:

23 March 2007

A 2004 report about Barack Hussein Obama, from China Youth Daily

他可能成为美国首位黑人总统

2004年09月 中国青年报 特派记者 王冲


  本报芝加哥9月27日电

  等待,等待。

  9月25日,上午11时,秋阳高照,一丝微风。

  伊利诺伊州威尔县的民主党人士,集中在温德哈姆湖工业园附近的一个棒球场,等待着他们的政治英雄巴拉克·奥巴马的到来。6个月前,奥巴马击败了不论是知名度还是竞选资金都远胜于他的多位竞选对手,成为这个中西部大州的民主党参议员候选人。

  两位年过六旬的老太太在路口招呼每个新来的人,拿出印有奥巴马名字的蓝色标牌,递给大家。聊天,说笑,这里的等待并不寂寞。吉姆·约翰逊带着两个孩子开车而来,他的孩子在旁边玩游戏,他和妻子悠闲地散步。棒球场外面是绿地,向南遥遥看去,是一片玉米地和几排房子,一条公路向远方延伸,一百多公里以外,就是伊利诺伊州最大的城市芝加哥。

  不到11时30分,好多人已经耐不住性子,排队领热狗去了。一个,两个,三个都可以,水、可乐随便喝。虽然“世界上没有免费的午餐”,但在这里却有,因为这里是巴拉克·奥巴马竞选参议员的集会,支持民主党的食品公司、饮料公司纷纷解囊相助。热狗摊旁,一对情侣窃窃私语,两个孩子玩跷跷板,几个十七八岁的黑人小伙子在打篮球,而赫克托尔·萨尔加多则坐在一张桌子前沉思。身为一名年收入2.5万美元的普通中学教师,赫克托尔是铁杆民主党人,他对奥巴马崇敬有加:“奥巴马肯定会当选参议员。”

  一旦当选,奥巴马将成为19世纪美国历史上第3位黑人国会议员。他的父亲是肯尼亚人,黑人;母亲是堪萨斯人,白人。他自己曾是《哈佛法律评论》的第一位黑人主编,以及芝加哥大学的宪法教授。这位42岁的演说家一出道就震动了美国,有人斗胆预测,他将成为美国第一位黑人总统。对于这一说法,赫克托尔摇摇头说:“他不太可能在2008年竞选总统。美国还没有准备好让一个黑人当总统。”

  黑人姑娘波拉·哈德森一说起奥巴马来就极其兴奋:“奥巴马自信,有智慧,某一天他会成为总统;4年后,他至少会成为副总统。因为他代表着未来的希望。”4年后奥巴马是否参加竞选总统的角逐尚难预料,然而可以预料的是,他将稳进参议院。前任退休后,在这个民主党占优势的州,奥巴马几乎没有对手。

  在约瑟夫·扎帕拉克眼里,奥巴马是英雄,他将成为参议员,为伊利诺伊州争取权利,让伊利诺伊人有工作,过体面的生活。“他会成功,他是我们的代表。当然,我会选克里当总统,但对克里我只是从电视上知道,而奥巴马就在我们身边。”扎帕拉克说。

  12时,吃饭的人多了起来,在棒球场一角满是尘土的地方,是几块木头搭建的简单主席台。有人跳上去大声喊道:“共和党是富人的党,不管我们穷人。2000年大选,布什是个骗子。”这赢得台下阵阵掌声和欢呼声。这里,几乎没人说共和党的好话,因为这是一个民主党人的集会。如果只参加民主党组织的类似活动,你一定会认为民主党铁定赢得大选。

  12时30分,好多人坐在草坪上休息,只有几个金发孩童在草坪上蹦蹦跳跳。忽然,有人大喊一声“奥巴马来了”,许多举着“奥巴马,参议员”牌子的人欢呼起来,草坪上的人也围了过去,尘土飞扬,摄像机、照相机不断闪光。瘦瘦高高的奥巴马和人们握手、合影,笑得很灿烂。

  欢呼、掌声和口哨。两个小姑娘唱完美国国歌后,奥巴马登上了讲台。“6个月前,你们还都不认识我,还以为我叫亚拉巴马(注:亚拉巴马是美国一个州的名字,发音和奥巴马相似)。直到现在,还有人问我,你是芝加哥大学教宪法的老师,你笃信宗教,为什么涉足政治?因为我们都是美国公民,都是政治进程的一分子。但是我们的工作流失,我们面临困境,我们对此感到不满。我关心所有老人,所有孩子,所有工人。我不仅仅在社区里关注,还希望政府关注他们,因此,我涉足政治。”之后,奥巴马亮出了自己的许诺:“我要让每个孩子都读书,上大学,即使他的父母是穷人;我要让每个人退休以后都能领到退休金,过体面、受人尊重的生活。”

  “好!”台下许多人一起喊。有老人,但更多的是年轻人;有黑人,但更多的是白人。他的演讲很抓人,很容易让人想起20世纪60年代的黑人民权领袖马丁·路德·金。“昨天晚上,我妻子安慰我说‘不要紧张’。我今天站在这里一点都不紧张,因为我告诉大家的都是我和各位亲眼见到的情景。我看到工厂搬走,许多人工资减少,有人为孩子上大学的费用发愁。这不是编造的,而是事实。”奥巴马补充说,“我们需要工作,可我们的工作大量流失;我们的年轻人被派到伊拉克,打一场不知道怎样才叫胜利的战争;我们花2000亿美元在伊拉克,然而,在这里花几亿就会让每个人都生活得更好。”

  反对战争,创造工作机会,这两点足以抓住人心,也足以让奥巴马当上民主党一向占优势的伊利诺伊州的参议员。就像参加集会的人所说的,他会毫无疑问地当选。

  “我们伊利诺伊的人民知道如何选择,我们希望政治家不要攻击对方,而是着手解决问题。权力总是在你们大家手里,你们的选择可以决定一切。美国政治不属于共和党,不属于民主党,而属于你们———手里握有选票的人。”奥巴马不仅告诉大家,要选自己当参议员,还动员所有人投票选择克里:“你们不要只是待在家里看体育比赛,你们要出去投票,不仅自己去,也要叫上亲朋好友一起去。”

  20分钟的演说很快结束了,口哨声不断,叫好声不绝,人们不时高高举起手中的牌子,表示对奥巴马的支持。

  1时10分,巴拉克·奥巴马离开,人群也渐渐散去。

  相关专题:2004年美国总统大选

Hilary‘s Alma Mater - Wellesley College

学校介绍:Wellesley College

卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)

校友:
著名女诗人冰心,
蒋介石夫人宋美龄,
美国前女国务卿Madeleine Albright,
美国前驻联合国女大使 Anne W. Patterson,
美国前第一夫人,现任美国参议院,Hillary R. Clinton

如果要寻找上面的名单中的人物有什么共同之处的话,那么最后的焦点十有八九要落到她们毕业的大学上面。 没错,她们都是校友。 都毕业于我们今天要谈的--卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)。

卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)由当地乡绅 Durant 夫妇注册于1870年。但由于经费和手续等缘故,直到1875年9月8日第一名学生才踏进卫尔斯利的大门。 当时考虑到传统和为了女学生的安全, 整个大学坐落在一栋巨大的,150米长宽,5层楼高的砖木混合式建筑内。 (没错,今天5层楼不算什么,考虑到1870年。。。。) 从教师到宿舍,都是这一栋楼。 这种奇特的设计在当时美国大学内是独一无二的。 大家给这个建筑起了个名字叫“College Hall” (如果对美国大学有点了解的话就知道美国很多大学学术建筑师命名的,但是宿舍一般都叫什么什么Hall, 这个College Hall 就是College + hall :-P)
这种学院宿舍合一的独特体制一直维持了将近40年。 1914年,一场化学实验室中的事故大火不仅使得卫尔斯利女子学院人员损失惨重, 重要的图书,研究资料损失殆尽,也使得College Hall 彻底的付之一炬。 在此以后,人们开始意识到把宿舍和学术设施放在一起是多么的愚蠢。 于是,在这之后,卫尔斯利女子学院也开始中归中据的建立了一整套现代化教学设施体系。 今天,学生宿舍中的Tower Court Complex (包括 Claflin Hall, Severance Hall, and Tower Court) 就是建立在College Hall 的遗址之上的。

今天的卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)坐落在波士顿外围13英里远的卫尔斯利镇(Wellesley, MA)。 占地2平方公里, 包括Lake Waban, evergreen 以及很多的树林。 由于有得天独厚水上条件。卫尔斯利女子划艇队在美国大学联赛中屡有斩获。 除此之外,正如Amherst College 有Smith 配一样, Wellesley 的女生也是MIT 和哈佛众多男生的追求对象。 3校有对开的汽车,天天如此,风雨不断, 也撮合了不少佳人才子。(P.S. 克林顿是哈佛的学生, 希拉里是Wellesley 的,不过两个人当时不认识,后来工作后才认识的。 而且克林顿比希拉里大几届的说)

卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)是美国最富有的学院之一, 到2005年底学院有校友捐款12亿美元。 超过一半的学生收到学校的经济援助。 2002年,其经济援助总额为4亿7千2百万美元, 为全美学院经济援助总额之首。 学术上,卫尔斯利女子学院与MIT (麻省理工大学)有学术联合关系。 (你是Wellseley 学生的话也会被认为是MIT 学生,反之亦然。) 而且如果学生参加Wel-MIT dual program, 5年毕业后将有Wellseley 和MIT 双重学位。 除此之外, 她还是著名七姐妹(seven sisters) 中的一员, 与芭娜德(Barnard College)、布尔茅尔(Bryn Mawr College)、蒙特荷约科(Mt. Holyoke College)、拉德克里夫(Radcliffe College)、史密斯(Smith College)和瓦莎(Vassar College)等六所女子学院有良好的关系

卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)有不成文的规定, 男子不得在大学里面任任何的领导席位。 当然,作为一个纯女子学院,超过160个学生组织里面自然不会有男生任职,但是各个department 的chair 到校长都是女人,自建校100多年来一直如此, 当然,里外也是有的, 一个男人曾经做过代理校长, 但是很不幸的, 那个男人第一天视察学校的时候, 在学校的钟楼Galen Stone Tower 恰巧被闪电击中,当即身亡。。。。

今天卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)的口号是为立志改变世界的女性提供一流的教育。 全学院的上上下下也为这个目标努力着。

地址:106 Central Street, Wellesley,MA 02481
网址:[url]http://www.wellesley.edu[/url]

卫尔斯利女子学院(Wellesley College)小资料(截止于2006年4月14日):
所在地: 卫尔斯利镇(Wellesley, MA)
建立时间: 1870
现任主席: Diana C. Walsh
2004年在校学生人数: 2300 女生, 0 男生
全职教授: 200人
在校平均一年花费 (2005-06): 31,348 美元
46%的学生接受校方经济援助.平均经济援助额27,999美元
校友捐赠额(到2006年4月15日止) 超过12亿美元
学生组织: 160
学校代表颜色: 深蓝色
学校格言: 治人而不治于人 Non Ministari sed Ministare (not to be ministered unto but to minister)
专业:
Africana Studies 非洲文化学,Anthropology 考古学, Astronomy 天文学, Biological Sciences 生物, Chemistry 化学, Chinese Language and Literature 中文, Computer Science 电脑,Economics 经济,English 英语,French 法语,Geosciences 地理,German 德语,Greek 希腊语,History 历史,History of Art 艺术史,Italian Studies 意大利语,Japanese Language and Literature 日语,Latin 拉丁语,Mathematics 数学,Music 音乐,Philosophy 哲学,Physics 物理,Political Science 政治,Psychology 心理学,Religion 宗教,Russian Language and Literature 俄语,Sociology 社会学,Spanish 西班牙语,Studio Art 舞台艺术,Women's Studies 女性研究,American Studies 美国文化学,Architecture 设计学, Astrophysics 天文物理,Biological Chemistry 生物化学, Cinema and Media Studies 摄影与新闻, Classical Civilization 文明学, Classical and Near Eastern Archaeology 近东文化学, Cognitive and Linguistic Sciences 语言学, East Asian Studies 中东研究, Environmental Studies 环境研究

国际学生奖学金: 有 每年127人, 总奖金额483万美元
国际学生入学要求:
女性 (男生不要想了,还是去哈佛或者MIT 吧)
SAT I: 英语部分 660 - 750 数学部分 660 - 730
SAT II: 任意三门学科, 650分以上
TOEFL(托福): 600 (纸版) 250(电脑版)
ACT: 28~31
AP 给学分, 并给与跳级选课安排。

--
转自SOHU社区,作者: oskarlre

Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama

不可靠的大脑
一 个女人,希拉里·克林顿宣布要竞选美国总统了,还有一个黑人,巴拉克·奥巴马。当政治评论家们——从东到西——煞有介事地评论两个不同寻常的候选人时,他 们讨论这两个人的政治见解、能力、背景和当前环境,但是有两个非常重要的话题,他们却假装不存在,或者不重要:美国人真的到了完全克服偏见,接受一个女总 统或者黑人总统的时候吗?人们不讨论这个,因为他们假装这种“政治不正确”的立场并不存在,事实上它依然是存在的,而且很重要。要不然,为什么支持希拉里 的调查对象里,女性比男性多出30%

不能责怪政治评论家,我们所有人的大脑都回避质疑那些它认为理所当然的东西。如果你为这些东西献出生命,热血沸腾,或者至少坚信不疑:自由主 义,为小布什,为巴勒斯坦,为简·方达或者胡志明,为改革或者不改革……所有人都坚信自己拥有正确的政治立场,你以为你的立场已经经过足够的考验,但是科 学家们说,我们的大脑其实是个制造偏见的复杂机器。

在去年的6月的《科学美国人》上,Michael Shermer写过一篇悲观的小文章,讨论这个问题。这个自称哪派也不跟从的自由派说,他观察了他在自由党和民主党两个阵营里的好朋友的表现,发现“不管 讨论的问题是什么,两方都同样相信所有的证据毫无疑问地证明他们自己的立场是对的。

“人类的理解力一旦接受了一个观点……就会把所有的东西都搜集来支持和同意这个观点。”

1620年,科学家弗朗西斯·培根就这么说过。现在,一 种利用磁共振成像仪(fMRI)进行的研究结果证明他是对的。磁共振成像仪可以显示大脑的哪个部位是信念偏见生成之处,它是如何在无意中、被情感驱动着运 作的。心理学家Drew Westen在Emory大学领导一个团队做的这个研究结果,在2006年人格和社会心理学协会年度大会上披露。在2004年的美国总统大选中,15个自 称为“强硬的”共和党男性和15个“强硬的”民主党男性接受了fMRI大脑扫描,接受扫描时,研究者给他们一些共和党候选人小布什和民主党候选人约翰·克 里发表的演讲——这些演讲很明显都是自相矛盾的。但是,在评判演讲的时候,共和党人对克里、民主党人对布什都一样的持批评态度,不过对本党候选人的错误却 轻易放过

神经图像上显示,大脑与逻辑推理最相关的部位非常安静;最活跃的部位却是处理情感的那个部位、与处理冲突相关的那个部位和负责判断道德可靠性的那个部位。而且,一旦被研究对象达成一个让他们情感上感到舒适的结论,他们大脑中与奖励和愉悦相关的部位也会变得很活跃。

除非我们在未来证明这些领域之间存在着无法探测的相关活动,目前的这个研究结果只能证明大脑在处理有关信念的信息时更注重的是情感和道德感的舒 适程度。这可以很好地解释为什么热衷于奢华生活的人总是不相信环保主义者提出的证据,为什么一些旅行者会在贫困的拉美国家看到遍地歌舞升平,而另一些看到 的则是其下的悲惨。同样是20年代的中国,罗素看到了脚夫的美丽微笑,而鲁迅狠狠讽刺了罗素,他认为西方人的自大和盲目使罗素对这些微笑“背后”的东西视 而不见。

但是,如果我们相信这是真的:大脑永远不会带我们接近真理,而只会领着我们在直觉和偏见的道路上一条路走到黑,这对人类文明的未来是多大的一个 打击!也许,陪审团永远不可能在审案时达到公正(那个长胡子的家伙看起来非常狡猾),CEO永远不可能对一个公司的运作真正了解(这些数据现在不好,但是 这不是我策略的错误),科学家永远不可能证明一个理论的正确性(我觉得这些数据足够了……),如果是这样,我们的文明难道不是在原地打转吗?

幸运的是,我们的大脑还知道,它自己不是完美的,它意识到一个自我监测的机制是多么重要。在科学实验中建立了严格的控制机制:在搜取信息 阶段,被研究者和研究者都不知道实验条件;研究结果在专业会议和严格审查的刊物上被讨论;研究必须在其他和最初实验者没有关联的实验室里重复做过;如有与 结论不符的数据,必须包括在论文之中。同事之间保持怀疑态度是受到鼓励的。非同寻常的声明需要非常的证据来证明。现代文明之所以能够比前工业时代的文明更有效地改善人类生活,根本原因就在于它有一个有效的校正系统,这个系统通过结合诸多大脑的力量,尽可能地避免了单个个体的弱点。

如果不采用这个经常令我们不舒服的校正系统,那么在任何时候,我们的大脑都会轻易引导我们走向歧途。无论是在革命年代那些莫名奇妙的争鸣,还是 在当下互联网上各说各话的辩论当中,我们所看到的惊人的幼稚、混乱和短视狭隘,都出于同样的原因:首先,辩论者的知识体系非常可怜,其次,他们拒绝聆听, 拒绝建立一个共同的、经得起检验的知识体系。所以,辩论变成了孤独的、类似于梦呓那样的东西,丝毫不能增进人们对事物的了解。

我们对现代科学的信仰是有道理的,因为它是最严格、也最易于操作地防止偏见的一个系统。那么在社会生活的其他方面,我们难道不需要如此吗?经济 学家的理论,一个市长的结论,CEO的新政策,法官的判决……如果我们没有一套制度对社会运作的各个机制进行审视,而只依赖于这些机制的自律,它注定会充 满错误,而错误很容易自我复制并且扩散。在回顾各个国家和时代历史时我们很容易发现:当领导者不容忍怀疑时,他领导的机构就问题丛生,易于倾覆。不过在任 何时代,有些大脑都拒绝承认这个事实。

21 March 2007

冯象: 重译圣经,无关信仰 [转载]


  插队云南:卷入“文革”的毛孩子

  冯象是“老三届”知青里的最后一拨,自称“卷入‘文革’的毛孩子”。说是初中毕业,其实只读过一年初中就跟在别人屁股后面“闹革命”了。1968年,在“知识青年去农村接受再教育”的号召下,他和同学们离开了学校,从上海来到云南的弥勒县插队。

  因为父母早已被打倒,去云南的决定是冯象和几个要好的同学商量的。“那时候我冬天会生冻疮,周围人都说别去北方,受不了,听说云南的自然条件好一点。另外,我父母抗战时期在西南联大待过,又在云南生活过,连带我也觉得云南并不算太陌生的地方。”

  冯象感慨当时根本不觉得自己是毛孩子,自认为完全有能力对自己的将来做出选择。“所以说小孩不怕吃苦,长大怕苦了,我现在就能体会到我们的上一代在‘文革’中受的苦。你现在再把我送到农村去劳动改造,我根本不可能像15岁的时候那样能吃苦了。”

  尽管对云南一无所知,但还算幸运的是,冯象插队的地方比较富裕,劳动了两年后,他就到更边疆的村寨当了一名乡村老师。

  “那里是真正的边境,在越南、老挝和中国三个国家的交界上,当初叫六村,现在叫绿春。再翻一座山就出国了,比我早的老师还给分配一支枪,防土匪用的。”

  冯象说当时有一部越南电影《乡村女教师》,描写的内容跟他的生活一模一样。步行好几天走进大山里的一个小山寨,村里分他一间茅草房,一半用来睡觉,另一半当教室,中间钉上木板隔起来。孩子们由他按照年龄大小进行编排,村里的文化教育就全权交给了他。

  “当了老师就有一份口粮,知青种地不行,教书是受欢迎的。当地的少数民族最欢迎两种人:医生和老师,对这两种人特别尊敬。学生们帮我打柴挑水,家里有什么好吃的也给我端过来。他们有很多人现在都当了官,还经常邀请我回去看看。”

  自学外语:改变命运的军代表

  当了一年多的孩子王,一天,冯象接到当地军代表送来的口信,让他上公社一趟。“这位军代表是南京外国语学院毕业的,专门监听境外的电台,听力特好。他知道我一直自学英语,说是要考考我。”

  原来自从尼克松访华后,学英语不再是“封资修”,因急需英语老师,云南省就办了一个英语教师训练班,军代表有意推荐冯象。冯象跟着马帮出大山接受了军代表的考试,不久就接到了参加培训的通知。“训练班在大理,由上海来的老师教,我就这样捞到了半年的学习机会。”

  读书时一直很调皮的冯象,下乡后百无聊赖开始看书。数理化自学起来很困难,他就专攻文科。由于小学学过俄语,中学又接触过一点英语,自己对外语也比较感兴趣,他自学起了英语和法语。

  家里人对冯象学外语多少有些提心吊胆,因为看的净是“封资修”的东西,生怕他闹出乱子。好在他身处边疆少数民族地区,没人管。

  “边疆地区能收到的电台特别多,当时我听的都算是‘敌台’,BBC什么的,还有苏修的电台,哪个波段、哪个时间是哪个国家的我熟极了。老乡以为我听的就是汉语,所以我的英语听力还没上大学就过关了,读大学时专业课免修。”

  每月冯象还把自己的翻译和作文寄给杭州的姨夫,请他批改。姨夫曾留学英国八年,是伦敦大学第一位中国硕士和第一位名誉博士,冯象用的英法文词典和外文原著都是他赠送的。

  半年的培训结束后,县中学的校长看中了冯象,将他从大山里调到县中,从此他成为一名正式教师。而那位给了他人生第一次重要机遇的军代表随部队开拔后,冯象就再也没有见过他。

  大学深造:文学法学一脉相传

  对一个知识分子家庭的后代来说,读书似乎是天经地义的出路,但在那个年代,谁都没想到会有高考。正是凭借这人生的又一次重大机遇,冯象一步步离开了生活十多年的云南,北上京城,又远赴美国。

  高考时,因为当地的土政策限制,凡是已经当老师的人必须报考师范院校,而其他师范院校又不到云南招生,冯象只好以云南省第一名的成绩上了昆明师范学院。

  “当时招了两个班,一个是四年制的,一个是两年制的。我们这些人都年满25岁了,学校觉得我们的教学经验已经很丰富,学两年够了。”

  当了班长的冯象和同学们迅速召开了一个会议,发现全班没有一个党团员,全部是红卫兵出身。借着当时跟越南打仗的时机,他们折腾了一个学期,终于 迫使学校答应恢复四年制。冯象说,他们这代人身上多少是有些痞子气的。不过,书只读到三年级,他就提前考取了北大的西语系,上北京念研究生去了。

  领冯象进入中古英语文学领域的是他的导师李赋宁先生,同时他自己也意识到:“欧洲现代文明的渊源是中世纪。在现代西方还在运作的那些机构、制度、宗教、道德风貌,都是中世纪开始留下来的,从这个意义上说,中世纪文化是理解现代西方的关键。”

  1984年,冯象再次提前毕业,赴美国哈佛攻读中古文学博士。当所有人理所当然地认为他将在这个领域继续走下去的时候,他却出乎意料地来了一个大跳跃,转而攻读法学,最终又拿下了耶鲁大学的法律博士。

  冯象对此的解释是:“在我们经历过的那个时代,文学的作用曾经跟法律的作用是一样的。管理社会也是通过文学作品,像《白毛女》、《红岩》、《钢 铁是怎样炼成的》都是教育人的,现在的人没法理解文学曾有那么高的地位。改学法学,其实只是改职业,我认为内涵是一脉相传的。”

  在香港大学教了六年法律后,冯象回到美国,开始从事有关知识产权的法律咨询工作,这让他感到更自由,更有趣。虽然从17岁就拿起了教鞭,但冯象以为自己“并不是特别热爱教育的人”,“在国内我不是学校教出来的,我也不觉得我教别人,别人就能学会些什么。”

  写书译经:读书是乐趣,但只乐了一半

  自从1992年出版了《贝奥武甫:古英语史诗》以来,冯象利用业余时间陆续撰写了《木腿正义》《玻璃岛》《政法笔记》《创世记:传说与译注》《宽宽信箱与出埃及记》等书籍,还在《读书》、《万象》等杂志和报纸撰写专栏文章,涉及内容自然横跨西方古典文学与司法两大领域,不可谓不活跃。

  说起写作,冯象有一段回答让人印象深刻:“我写文章多半是为了还‘债’,还前人师长、父母友朋之‘债’。不管法律宗教语言文学,凡受过教、用过功、有了知识积累和经验体会的领域,都不敢不写。”

  冯象打趣:“我这个年龄不能再东混混西混混了,应该写些东西了。读书本身是乐趣,但只乐了一半,还有一半是要把自己的乐传达给别人。哪个故事好玩,哪本书值得读,那你就要说说看。把自己学到的喜欢的,告诉你的读者,大家一起分享,不说责任,这样更积极一些。”

  冯象的读者集中在两大类上———关心法律的人群和热爱文学的公众,受专业背景的影响,他的书对读者的素质也提出了一定要求。

  “有的作家写通俗文学,也有的作家写给所谓的‘小众’,尤其搞外国文学、外国文化,这个问题更严重。既然是外国的,肯定要陌生一些,再加上我主要研究古代,距离更远,怎么写,用什么方法同中国读者说话,是个难题。对作者本人来说也是一种选择。”

  为此,冯象进行了写作方式和语言风格上的尝试。在《玻璃岛——亚瑟与我三千年》中,因为无意写一部严肃的学术著作,他将中古欧洲文学的瑰宝亚瑟 王传奇与自己的亲身经历相交织,在向中国读者系统介绍亚瑟王传奇的同时,也展示了在他眼中“日益全球化、麦当劳化或‘黑手党化’的‘新新人类’社会,天天 面临的虚荣与幻想、污染和腐败。”

  而在《政法笔记》中,他又以“法学随笔”的文风评说了鲁迅肖像权、婚前财产公证、性贿赂、取名用生僻字等一系列法制领域的事件与现象,被看作是“彻底改变传统的普法文章”。

  从五六年前开始,由于着手重新翻译《圣经》,冯象的写作大多与《圣经》相关。“我一般是手头正在研究什么就写什么方面的东西,因为经常需要整理一下自己的思想,为普通读者介绍一些知识背景。”

  对冯象重译《圣经》的举动,有人觉得没必要,有人拭目以待,他自己则认为是摆在面前的又一次历史机遇,需要好好把握。

  采访手记

  有趣的事跟谋生无关

  去清华见冯象之前,面对他的教育背景内心着实有些胆怯,阅读他的《玻璃岛》和《宽宽信箱与出埃及记》,发觉也不是一时半刻能消化得了的,听说出于兴趣,他又在进行重译《圣经》的工作,我不知道自己该怎么与他对话。

  房门一开,是冯先生一张和善的脸。花色的圆领毛衣,头发斑白,个头不高,典型的“学者加南方人”气质。我的心情不知怎么顿时放松了不少。

  因为从事法律方面的工作,近些年冯先生与国内法学领域的交流比较频繁,这次来京,也是受邀为清华的学生讲课。

  两个小时的时间里拉拉杂杂说了很多,负笈云南的经历,专业领域的转换,写书译经的过程……还不时穿插他对国内正在发生的种种事情的看法。虽然定居国外几十年,因为往来较多,丝毫不存在生疏。

  让我印象最深的还是冯先生谈起为介绍西方古典文化而做的种种努力。我问这么费力的事情,您怎么还这样有动力?他是这样回答我的———

  “这世上的事分两种,好事是既不费劲又有趣,但这是理想,大部分事情不是这样。不费劲的事大都是平淡的,比如挣钱谋生。最能挣钱的人都是不花钱 的,那些资本家挣了钱都给老婆孩子花,自己很苦的,陪人吃喝,身体不好,没有乐趣。但家属过得舒服,正因为舒服了所以一事无成,变成败家子,这种情况最多 了。

  “有趣的事情全部跟谋生无关。学生经常问我什么样的工作最理想,我能告诉他们的是第二理想的工作,那就是自己做自己的老板。要说第一等理想第一 等快乐,就是自己也不做自己的老板,不是现在意义的工作,这种事情不大有人做。现在大部分人是受雇于人,在一个人际网里谋生,这是第三等的快乐。我写文 章、重译《圣经》根本赚不了什么钱,又不是畅销书,还不如我讲一次课,纯粹是乐趣。

  “现在的年轻人,条件很好,机遇也不差。这个机遇就是大部分人不读书、不用功,上个网、看个电影啊,就跟我们‘文革’时一样,大部分人不读书或 想读也读不了。现在包括学习很好的学生,用功程度也远不如过去,所以你只要花费很少的精力就能超越别人。还是和‘文革 ’时一样,并不是你有多聪明,但你读书了就可以考上大学。‘文革’给我的启发之一就是,任何时候不要随大流,毛主席时期如此,现在也如此。”

  《圣经》中译本是个遗憾

  记者:您最早从什么时候开始阅读《圣经》?

  冯象:我刚学外语的时候,对十八、十九世纪小说、法国象征派和英美现代诗感兴趣,稍稍深入后就发现《圣经》对西洋文艺影响巨大,开始阅读。考进北大西语系后,中世纪文献大多和基督教有关,所以《圣经》是必修的科目。

  记者:您怎么会产生重译的念头?毕竟现在流传的中文译本已经快有一百年的历史了。

  冯象:十多年前我还在耶鲁法学院的时候,有位神学院的朋友找我讨论经文,他用的就是国语和合本。以前我没有读过中文译本,拿来英语钦定本一对照,发现错译、漏译和语言风格上的问题不少。

  清朝末年,当时有很多英美新教派在中国传教,互相之间经常打架,后来他们意识到这对传教不利,就决定联合起来翻译一个统一的《圣经》译本,这就 是和合本。一些外国传教士加上中国助手在上海组成了一个班子,一共翻译了三个版本:文言的、半文言的和白话的,最后一种流行比较广泛。

  和合本在1919年全部翻译完成,是一项很大的工程。但它是以传教为目的搞的,翻译人员的中文水平又低一些,从学术的角度看不太讲究精确,有些 也翻译得不巧。到了“五四”时期,白话运动掀起来,和合本的白话就显得很怪,今天看起来就更怪了,以至于有些看不懂。《圣经》的原文是朴素、圣洁、雄健而 热烈的,到了中译本里成了半文不白的“洋泾浜中文”,这和《圣经》译本在西方各国的崇高文学地位形成了对比。从这点来说,我觉得我应该重新翻译。

  记者:您希望您的翻译能弥补旧译本的缺陷?

  冯象:在西方,《圣经》是一部文学巨著,翻译得很好,发行量世界第一,但在中国就是一个遗憾。我不是信徒,只是从文学的角度想做点贡献。我也并 不想取代什么,就是希望能贡献出一个质量好一些的译本。在所有的外国文学经典里,我觉得《圣经》最值得翻译,这个事恐怕也没几个人做。别人不做的事情我要 做,就像当年别人都不读书的时候我读书一样。对《圣经》本身我一直很有兴趣,尝试着翻译了一下后,觉得自己还能干这个活儿,就干下去了。

  我译的《摩西五经》已经在香港出版,在那里出版就是想在汉语基督教研究的中心得到一些评价,听听他们的看法。那里的学者和教徒也进行了讨论,给我的反馈是认为语言很好,但在教义方面可能有不同意见,因为我不是信徒,没有任何派别意识,我呈现的是主流的学术意见。

  记者:重译工作已经完成多少了?您计划多长时间译完?

  冯象:已经完成的《摩西五经》,也就是五分之一的内容。第二卷是诗,刚译了一半,今年年底或明年年初应该能完成。翻译《圣经》快不了,因为牵扯 很多问题需要查大量资料,时间上也只能找空闲,慢慢来,所以多久完工不好估计。幸好也不是没有中译本,多着呢,我不过再贡献一个就是了。

  记者:翻译《圣经》,您觉得对自身的挑战在哪里?

  冯象:《圣经》是西方文明的源头经典之一。古代以色列人的历史和文化、包括宗教思想和制度实践,跟迦南、埃及、两河流域、小亚细亚及东地中海文明都息息相关,那要学多少东西,简直令人生畏!

  从翻译上来说,希伯来语《圣经》的语言很简洁,把简洁的语言译好又让读者明白,很难,需要琢磨。你必须舍弃一切修饰,回到语言的根本,回到常用词汇、口语甚至古汉语,考验的全是自己的汉语。原文不懂,通过查资料总能搞懂,但懂了以后该怎么表达?

  记者:会不会有人认为回到语言的根本,生动是有了,但是不是失去了原有的庄严,也许宗教的语言就是和大众存在一定距离的?

  冯象:《圣经》的原文是普通的语言,没有任何学究气,根本就不难的。有这样的理解是上了当年传教士的当了。《圣经》在几千年前是要念给不识字的牧民、妇女、小孩听的,哪能那么学究气?更不存在距离感。

  这是传教士的问题,他们来中国传教,对本民族的东西其实并不懂,英语也不怎么样。我在和合本里就发现好几处,是他们自己没把英语钦定本看懂,根 本不是希伯来文的问题,因为钦定本的英语是莎士比亚时代的英语,不是19世纪的英语。所以我要改造《圣经》和合本的基本语汇和句法,回归原文善本。

  记者:您在《圣经》上花费这么大的功夫,可您并不是基督徒。一个不信教的人凭什么翻译《圣经》呢?

  冯象:这也许是国人习以为常的误会,以为《圣经》仅仅是基督教的经典。希伯来语《圣经》本来是古代以色列人的宗教典籍和民族文化遗产,基督教兴起后继承了这部圣书,所以不能说到《圣经》,就把它等同于基督教。实际上,基督徒只是古人所谓“圣书之民”中的一支。

  说到信仰能否成为翻译经典的前提条件,或者有助于译者的理解和表达,我看也未必。当年朱光潜先生译注马克思著作,引来一顿狠批,说他是“资产阶级反动学术权威”,不配诠释无产阶级的革命导师。可是今天再读,谁能及得上他的译文?

  记者:您希望人们怎样看待《圣经》?

  冯象:老话说:读书无禁区。《圣经》是人类有史以来流传最广、读者最多的书之一,也是支配我们这个世界的强势文明的源头经典之一,从求知的立场 出发,读一读很有益处。《圣经》的内容和文学类型也包罗万象,法律神谕、部族历史、箴言布道文、诗歌传奇,不一定全部看,因为也有很枯燥的地方,但其他很 多故事、诗歌还是很有意思的。我相信翻译好了,很多人会对它产生兴趣,当然不一定非要信它。

《北京青年报》2007年3月20日 撰文/颜菁/摄影/小詹

20 March 2007

History of a Disturbance [New Yorker Ficiton]


Fiction

History of a Disturbance

by Steven Millhauser March 5, 2007


You are angry, Elena. You are furious. You are desperately unhappy. Do you know you’re becoming bitter?—bitter as those little berries you bit into, remember? in the woods that time. You are frightened. You are resentful. My vow must have seemed to you extremely cruel, or insane. You are suspicious. You are tired. I’ve never seen you so tired. And of course: you are patient. You’re very patient, Elena. I can feel that patience of yours come rolling out at me from every ripple of your unforgiving hair, from your fierce wrists and tense blouse. It’s a harsh patience, an aggressive patience. It wants something, as all patience does. What it wants is an explanation, which you feel will free you in some way—if only from the grip of your ferocious waiting. But an explanation is just what’s not possible, not now and not ever. What I can give you is only this. Call it an explanation if you like. For me it’s a stammer—a shout in the dark.

Do things have beginnings, do you think? Or is a beginning only the first revelation of something that’s always been there, waiting to be found? I’m thinking of that little outing we took last summer, the one up to Sandy Point. I’d been working hard, maybe too hard, I had just finished that market-penetration study for Sherwood Merrick Associates, it was the right time to get away. You packed a picnic. You were humming in the kitchen. You were wearing those jeans I like, the ones with the left back pocket torn off, and the top of your bathing suit. I watched as you sliced a sandwich exactly in half. The sun struck your hands. Across your glowing fingers I could see the faint liquidy green cast by the little glass swan on the windowsill. It occurred to me that we rarely took these trips anymore, that we ought to do it more often.

Then we were off, you in that swooping straw hat with its touch of forties glamour, I in that floppy thing that makes me look like a demented explorer. An hour later and there was the country store, with the one red gas pump in front, there was the turn. We passed the summer cottages in the pines. The little parking lot at the end of the road was only half full. Over the stone wall we looked down at the stretch of sand by the lake. We went down the rickety steps, I with the thermos and picnic basket, you with the blanket and towels. Other couples lay in the sun. Some kids were splashing in the water, which rippled from a passing speedboat that made the white barrels rise and fall. The tall lifeguard stand threw a short shadow. Across the lake was a pier, where some boys were fishing. You spread the blanket, took off your hat, shook out your hair. You sat down and began stroking your arm with sunblock. I was sitting next to you, taking it all in, the brown-green water, the wet ropes between the white barrels, the gleam of the lotion on your arm. Everything was bright and clear, and I wondered when the last time was that I’d really looked at anything. Suddenly you stopped what you were doing. You glanced around at the beach, raised your face to the sky, and said, “What a wonderful day!” I turned and looked out at the water.

But I wasn’t looking at the water. I was thinking of what you had just said. It was a cry of contentment, a simple expression of delight, the sort of thing anyone might say, on such a day. But I had felt a little sharp burst of irritation. My irritation shocked me. But there it was. I’d been taking in the day, just like you, happy in all my senses. Then you said, “What a wonderful day!” and the day was less wonderful. The day—it’s really indecent to speak of these things! But it’s as if the day were composed of many separate and diverse presences—that bottle of soda tilted in the sand, that piece of blue-violet sky between the two dark pines, your green hand by the window—which suddenly were blurred together by your words. I felt that something vast and rich had been diminished somehow. I barely knew what you were talking about. I knew of course what you were talking about. But the words annoyed me. I wished you hadn’t spoken them. Something uncapturable in the day had been harmed by speech. All at once my irritation passed. The day, which had been banished, came streaming back. Spots of yellow-white sun trembled in brown tree-shadows on the lake-edge. A little girl shouted in the water. I touched your hand.

Was that the beginning? Was it the first sign of a disturbance that had been growing secretly? Two weeks later the Polinzanos had that barbecue. I’d been working hard, harder than usual, putting together a report for Warren and Greene, the one on consumer perception of container shapes for sports beverages. I had all the survey results but I was having trouble writing it up, something was off, I was happy to let it go for an evening. Ralph was in high spirits, flipping over the chicken breasts, pushing down tenderly on the steaks. He waved the spatula about in grand style as he talked real estate. That new three-story monster-house on the block, could you believe two mil, those show-off window arches and did you get a load of that corny balcony, all of it throwing the neighborhood out of whack, a crazy eyesore, but hey, it was driving property values up, he could live with that. Later, in the near-dark, we sat on the screened porch watching the fireflies. From inside the house came voices, laughter. Someone walked slowly across the dark lawn. You were lying in the chaise. I was sitting in that creaky wicker armchair right next to you. Someone stood up from the glider and went into the kitchen. We were alone on the porch. Voices in the house, the shrill cries of crickets, two glasses of wine on the wicker table, moths bumping against the screens. I was in good spirits, relaxed, barely conscious of that report at the edge of my mind. You turned slowly to me. I remember the lazy roll of your head, your cheek against the vinyl strips, your hair flattened on one side, your eyelids sleepy. You said, “Do you love me?” Your voice was flirtatious, easy—you weren’t asking me to put a doubt to rest. I smiled, opened my mouth to answer, and for some reason recalled the afternoon at Sandy Point. And again I felt that burst of irritation, as if words were interposing themselves between me and the summer night. I said nothing. The silence began to swell. I could feel it pressing against both of us, like some big rubbery thing. I saw your eyes, still sleepy, begin to grow alert with confusion. And as if I were waking from a trance, I pushed away the silence, I beat it down with a yes yes yes, of course of course. You put your hand on my arm. All was well.

All was not well. In bed I lay awake, thinking of my irritation, thinking of the silence, which had been, I now thought, not like some big swelling rubbery thing but like a piece of sharp metal caught in my throat. What was wrong with me? Did I love you? Of course I loved you. But to ask me just then, as I was taking in the night … Besides, what did the words mean? Oh, I understood them well enough, those drowsy tender words. They meant, Look, it’s a summer night, look, the lawn is dark but there’s still a little light left in the sky; they meant you wanted to hear my voice, to hear yourself ask a question that would bring you my voice—it was hardly a question at all, rather a sort of touch, rising out of the night, out of the sounds in the house, the flash of the fireflies. But you said, “Do you love me?,” which seemed to require me to understand those words and no others, to think what they might exactly mean. Because they might have meant, Do you still love me as much as you once did even though I know you do, or Isn’t it wonderful to sit here and whisper together like teen-agers on the dark porch, while people are in the bright living room, talking and laughing, or Do you feel this rush of tender feeling which is rising in me, as I sit here, on this porch, at night, in summer, at the Polinzanos’ barbecue, or Do you love everything I am and do, or only some things, and if so, which ones; and it seemed to me that that single word, “love,” was trying to compress within itself a multitude of meanings, was trying to take many precise and separate feelings and crush them into a single mushy mass, which I was being asked to hold in my hands like a big sticky ball.

Do you see what was happening? Do you see what I’m trying to say?

Despite these warnings, I hadn’t yet understood. I didn’t, at this stage, see the connection between the afternoon at Sandy Point, the night at the Polinzanos’ barbecue, and the report that was giving me so much trouble. I knew something was wrong, a little wrong, but I thought I’d been working too hard, I needed to relax a little, or maybe—I tried to imagine it—maybe the trouble was with us, with our marriage, a marriage problem. I don’t know when I began to suspect it was more dangerous than that.

Not long after the Polinzanos’ barbecue I found myself at the supermarket, picking up a few things for the weekend. You know how I love supermarkets. It excites me to walk down those big American avenues piled high with the world’s goods, as if the spoils of six continents are being offered to me in the aftermath of a triumphant war. At the same time I enjoy taking note of brand-name readability, shelf positioning, the attention-drawing power of competing package designs. I was in a buoyant mood. My work had gone well that day, pretty well. I wheeled my cart into the checkout line, set out my bags and boxes on the rubber belt, swiped my card. The girl worked her scanner and touch screen, and I watched with pleasure as the product names appeared sharply on the new LCD monitor facing me above her shoulder. Only two years ago I’d designed a questionnaire on consumer attitudes toward point-of-sale systems in supermarket chains. I signed my slip and handed it to the girl. She smiled at me and said, “Have a good day.”

Instantly my mood changed. This time it wasn’t irritation that seized me but a kind of nervousness. What was she trying to say to me? I realized that this thought was absurd. At the same time I stared at the girl, trying to grasp her meaning. Have a good day! What were the words trying to say? At the word “have” her front teeth had pressed into her lip: a big overbite. She looked at me. Have a good day! Good day! Have! “What do you—” I said, and abruptly stopped. Things became very still. I saw two tiny silver rings at the top of her ear, one ring slightly larger than the other. I saw the black plastic edge of the credit-card terminal, a finger with purple nail polish, a long strip of paper with a red stripe running along each border. These elements seemed independent of one another. Somewhere a cash tray slid open, coins clanked. Then the finger joined the girl, the tray banged shut, I was standing by my shopping cart, studying the mesh pattern of the collapsible wire basket, trying to recall what was already slipping away. “You too,” I said, as I always do, and fled with my cart.

At dinner that evening I felt uneasy, as if I were concealing a secret. Once or twice I thought you were looking at me strangely. I studied the saltshaker, which looked pretty much the way it had always looked, but with, I thought, some slight change I couldn’t account for. In the middle of the night I woke suddenly and thought, Something is happening to me, things will never be the same. Then I felt, across the lower part of my stomach, a first faint ripple of fear.

In the course of the next few days I began listening with close attention to whatever was said to me. I listened to each part of what was said, and I listened to the individual words that composed each part. Words! Had I ever listened to them before? Words like crackles of cellophane, words like sluggish fat flies buzzing on sunny windowsills. The simplest remark began to seem suspect, a riddle—not devoid of meaning, but with a vague haze of meaning that grew hazier as I tried to clutch it. “Not on your life.” “You bet!” “I guess so.” I would be moving smoothly through my day when suddenly I’d come up against one of them, a word-snag, an obstacle in my path. A group of words would detach themselves from speech and stand at mock attention, sticking out their chests, as if to say, Here we are! Who are you? It was as if some space had opened up, a little rift, between words and whatever they were supposed to be doing. I stumbled in that space, I fell.

At the office I was still having difficulties with my report. The words I had always used had a new sheen of strangeness to them. I found it necessary to interrogate them, to investigate their intentions.

Sometimes they were slippery, like fistfuls of tiny silvery fish. Sometimes they took on a mineral hardness, as if they’d become things in themselves, but strange things, like growths of coral.

I don’t mean to exaggerate. I knew what words meant, more or less. A cup was a cup, a window a window. That much was clear. Was that much clear? There began to be moments of hesitation, fractions of a second when the thing I was looking at refused to accept any language. Or rather, between the thing and the word a question had appeared, a slight pause, a rupture.

I recall one evening, it must have been a few weeks later, when I stepped from the darkened dining room into the brightly lit kitchen. I saw a whitish thing on the white kitchen table. In that instant the whitishness on the white table was mysterious, ungraspable. It seemed to spill onto the table like a fluid. I felt a rush of fear. A moment later everything changed. I recognized a cup, a simple white cup. The word pressed it into shape, severed it—as if with the blow of an axe—from everything that surrounded it. There it was: a cup. I wondered what it was I’d seen before the word tightened about it.

I said to myself, “You’ve been working too hard. Your brain is tired. You are not able to concentrate your attention. The words you are using appear to be the same words you have always used, but they’ve changed in some way, a way you cannot grasp. When this report is done, you are going to take a vacation. That will be good.”

I imagined myself in a clean hotel, high up, on the side of a mountain. I imagined myself alone.

I think it was at this period that my own talk began to upset me. The words I uttered seemed like false smiles I was displaying at a party I’d gone to against my will. Sometimes I would overhear myself in the act of speech, like a man who suddenly sees himself in a mirror. Then I grew afraid.

I began to speak less. At the office, where I’d established a long habit of friendliness, I stayed stubbornly at my desk, staring at my screen and limiting myself to the briefest of exchanges, which themselves were not difficult to replace with gestures—a nod, a wave, a smile, a shrug. It’s surprising how little you need to say, really. Besides, everyone knew I was killing myself over that report. At home I greeted you silently. I said almost nothing at dinner and immediately shut myself up in my study. You hated my silence. For you it was a knife-blade aimed at your neck. You were the victim and I was the murderer. That was the silent understanding we came to, quite early. And of course I didn’t murder you just once, I murdered you every day. I understood this. I struggled to be—well, noisier, for your sake. The words I heard emerging from my mouth sounded like imitations of human speech. “Yes, it’s hot, but not too hot,” I said. “I think that what she probably meant was that she …” The fatal fissure was there. On one side, the gush of language. On the other—what? I looked about. The world rushed away on all sides. If only one could be silent! In my study I avoided my irritating desk with its neat binders containing bar charts and statistical tables and sat motionless in the leather chair, looking out the window at the leaves of hydrangea bushes. I felt tremendously tired, but also alert. Not to speak, not to form words, not to think, not to smear the world with sentences—it was like the release of a band of metal tightening around my skull.

I was still able to do some work, during the day, a little work, though I was also staring a lot at the screen. I had command of a precise and specialized vocabulary that I could summon more or less at will. But the doubt had arisen, corroding my belief. Groups of words began to disintegrate under my intense gaze. I was like a man losing his faith, with no priest to turn to.

Always I had the sense that words concealed something, that if only I could abolish them I would discover what was actually there.

One evening I looked for a long time at my hand. Had I ever seen it before? I suppressed the word “hand,” rid myself of everything but the act of concentration. It was no longer a hand, not a piece of flesh with nails, wrinkles, bits of reddish-blond hair. There was only a thing, not even that—only the place where my attention fell. Gradually I felt a loosening, a dissolution of the familiar. And I saw: a thickish mass, yellowish and red and blue, a pulsing thing with spaces, a shaded clump. It began to flatten out, to melt into surrounding space, to attach itself to otherness. Then I was staring at my hand again, the fingers slightly parted, the skin of the knuckles like small walnuts, the nails with vertical lines of faint shine. I could feel the words crawling over my hand like ants on a bone. But for a moment I had seen something else.

I am a normal man, wouldn’t you say, intelligent and well educated, yes, with an aptitude for a certain kind of high-level work, but fundamentally normal, in temperament and disposition. I understood that what was happening to me was not within the range of the normal, and I felt, in addition to curiosity, an anger that this had come upon me, in the prime of life, like the onset of a fatal disease.

It was during one of those long evenings in my study, while you prowled somewhere in the house, that I recalled an incident from my childhood. For some reason I was in my parents’ bedroom, a forbidden place. I heard footsteps approaching. In desperation I stepped over to the closet, with its two sliding doors, then rolled one door open, plunged inside, pushed it shut. The long closet was divided into two parts, my mother’s side and my father’s side. I knew at once which side I’d entered by the dresses pressing against my cheeks, the tall pairs of high-heeled shoes falling against my ankles as I moved deeper within. Clumsily I crouched down among the fallen shoes, my head and shoulders buried in the bottoms of dresses And though I liked the sweetish, urine--sharp smell of the leather shoes, the rub of the dresses against my face, the hems heavy on my shoulders, the faint perfume drifting from folds of fabric like dust from a slapped bed, at the same time I felt oppressed by it all, bound tightly in place by the thick leathery smell and the stony fall of cloth, crushed in a black grip. The dresses, the shoes, the pinkish smell of perfume, the scratchy darkness, all pushed against me like the side of a big cat, thrust themselves into my mouth and nose like fur. I could not breathe. I opened my mouth. I felt the dark like fingers closing around my throat. In terror I stumbled up with a harsh scrape of hangers, pulled wildly at the edge of the door, burst outside. Light streamed through the open blinds. Tears of joy burned on my cheeks.

As I sat in my study, recalling my escape from the dresses, it seemed to me that the light streaming through my parents’ blinds, in the empty room, was like the silence around me where I sat, and that the heavy dresses, the bittersweet smell of the shoes, the hand on my throat, were the world I had left behind.

I began to sense that there was another place, a place without words, and that if only I could concentrate my attention sufficiently, I might come to that place.

Once, when I was a student and had decided to major in business, I had an argument with a friend. He attacked business as a corrupt discipline, the sole purpose of which was to instill in people a desire to buy. His words upset me, not because I believed that his argument was sound but because I felt that he was questioning my character. I replied that what attracted me to business was the precision of its vocabulary—a self-enclosed world of carefully defined words that permitted clarity of thought.

At the office I could see people looking at me and also looking away from me. The looks reminded me of the look I had caught in the eyes of the girl with the little rings in her ear, as I tried to understand her words, and the look in your eyes that night at the Polinzanos’ barbecue, when I opened my mouth and said nothing.

It was about this time that I began to notice, within me, an intention taking shape. I wondered how long it had been there, waiting for me to notice it. Though my mind was made up, my body hesitated. I was struck by how like me that was: to know, and not to act. Had I always been that way? It would be necessary to arrange a sick leave. There would be questions, difficulties. But aside from all that, finally to go through with it, never to turn back—such acts were not at all in my style.

And if I hesitated, it was also because of you. There you were, in the house. Already we existed in a courteous dark silence trembling with your crushed-down rage. How could I explain to you that words no longer meant what they once had meant, that they no longer meant anything at all? How could I say to you that words interfered with the world? Often I thought of trying to let you know what I knew I would do. But whenever I looked at you, your face was turned partly away.

I tried to remember what it was like to be a very young child, before the time of words. And yet, weren’t words always there, filling the air around me? I remember faces bending close, uttering sounds, coaxing me to leave the world of silence, to become one of them. Sometimes, when I moved my face a little, I could almost feel my skin brushing against words, like clusters of tiny, tickling insects.

One night after you’d gone to bed I rose slowly in my study. I observed myself with surprise, though I knew perfectly well what was happening. Without moving my lips, I took a vow.

The next morning at breakfast I passed you a slip of paper. You glanced at it with disdain, then crumpled it in your fist. I remember the sound of the paper, which reminded me of fire. Your knuckles stuck up like stones.

When a monk takes a vow of silence, he does so in order to shut out the world and devote himself exclusively to things of the spirit. My vow of silence sought to renew the world, to make it appear before me in all its fullness. I knew that every element in the world—a cup, a tree, a day—was inexhaustible. Only the words that expressed it were vague or limited. Words harmed the world. They took something away from it and put themselves in its place.

When one knows something like that, Elena, one also knows that it isn’t possible to go on living in the old way.

I began to wonder whether anything I had ever said was what I had wanted to say. I began to wonder whether anything I had ever written was what I had wanted to write, or whether what I had wanted to write was underneath, trying to push its way through.

After dinner that day, the day of the crumpled paper, I didn’t go to my study but sat in the living room. I was hoping to soothe you somehow, to apologize to you with my presence. You stayed in the bedroom. Once, you walked from the bedroom to the guest room, where I heard you making up the bed.

One night as I sat in my leather chair, I had the sensation that you were standing at the door. I could feel a hot place at the back of my neck. I imagined you there in the doorway, looking at me with cold fascination, with a sort of tender and despairing iciness. I saw your tired eyes, your strained mouth. Were you trying to understand me? After all, you were my wife, Elena, and we had once been able to understand each other. I turned suddenly, but no one was there.

Do you think it’s been easy for me? Do you? Do you think I don’t know how grotesque it must seem? A grown man, forty-three years old, in excellent health, happily married, successful enough in his line of work, who suddenly refuses to speak, who flees the sound of others speaking, shuns the sight of the written word, avoids his wife, leaves his job, in order to shut himself up in his room or take long solitary walks—the idea is clownish, disgusting. The man is mad, sick, damaged, in desperate need of a doctor, a lover, a vacation, anything. Stick him in a ward. Inject him with something. But then, think of the other side. Think of it! Think of the terrible life of words, the unstoppable roar of sound that comes rushing out of people’s mouths and seems to have no object except the evasion of silence. The talking species! We’re nothing but an aberration, an error of Nature. What must the stones think of us? Sometimes I imagine that if we were very still we could hear, rising from the forests and oceans, the quiet laughter of animals, as they listen to us talk. And then, lovely touch, the invention of an afterlife, a noisy eternity filled with the racket of rejoicing angels. My own heaven would be an immense emptiness—a silence bright and hard as the blade of a sword.

Listen, Elena. Listen to me. I have something to say to you, which can’t be said.

As I train myself to cast off words, as I learn to erase word-thoughts, I begin to feel a new world rising up around me. The old world of houses, rooms, trees, and streets shimmers, wavers, and tears away, revealing another universe as startling as fire. We are shut off from the fullness of things. Words hide the world. They blur together elements that exist apart, or they break elements into pieces, bind up the world, contract it into hard little pellets of perception. But the unbound world, the world behind the world—how fluid it is, how lovely and dangerous. At rare moments of clarity, I succeed in breaking through. Then I see. I see a place where nothing is known, because nothing is shaped in advance by words. There, nothing is hidden from me. There, every object presents itself entirely, with all its being. It’s as if, looking at a house, you were able to see all four sides and both roof slopes. But then, there’s no “house,” no “object,” no form that stops at a boundary, only a stream of manifold, precise, and nameless sensations, shifting into each other, pullulating, a fullness, a flow. Stripped of words, untamed, the universe pours in on me from every direction. I become what I see. I am earth, I am air. I am all. My eyes are suns. My hair streams among galaxies.

I am often tired. I am sometimes discouraged. I am always sure.

And still you’re waiting, Elena—even now. Even now you’re waiting for the explanation, the apology, the words that will justify you and set you free. But underneath that waiting is another waiting: you are waiting for me to return to the old way. Isn’t it true? Listen, Elena. It’s much too late for that. In my silent world, my world of exhausting wonders, there’s no place for the old words with which I deceived myself, in my artificial garden. I had thought that words were instruments of precision. Now I know that they devour the world, leaving nothing in its place.

And you? Maybe a moment will come when you’ll hesitate, hearing a word. In that instant lies your salvation. Heed the hesitation. Search out the space, the rift. Under this world there is another, waiting to be born. You can remain where you are, in the old world, tasting the bitter berries of disenchantment, or you can overcome yourself, rip yourself free of the word-lie, and enter the world that longs to take you in. To me, on this side, your anger is a failure of perception, your sense of betrayal a sign of the unawakened heart. Shed all these dead modes of feeling and come with me—into the glory of the fire.

Enough. You can’t know what these words have cost me, I who no longer have words to speak with. It’s like returning to the house of one’s childhood: there is the white picket fence, there is the old piano, the Schumann on the music rack, the rose petals beside the vase, and there, look!—above the bannister, the turn at the top of the stairs. But all has changed, all’s heavy with banishment, for we are no longer who we were. Down with it. You too, Elena: let it go. Let your patience go, your bitterness, your sorrow—they’re nothing but words. Leave them behind, in a box in the attic, the one with all the broken dolls. Then come down the stairs and out into the unborn world. Into the sun. The sun.

Illustration: EDWARD RUSCHA, “HEY WITH CURLED EDGE” (1964)/GAGOSIAN GALLERY/MUSEUM OF MODERN ART/SCALA/ART RESOURCE
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